ACROSS4SEAS.COM

This topic reminds of me primary school times. At that time,I was a third-grade student.I was not good at study and able to get high marks.Because of my bad grades,The teachers and parents were very strict with me and asked me to study seriously,write the word ,but I was a third grader.I liked reading, running and playing.we all know that the mutinous children refused to obey their teachers and parents.Yeah,I headed to a really up against the officials,so I was fairly rebellious character.I didn't want to study arithmetic and sentence-making at all.
One day, I found a story book whose cover is a little girl holding a book leaning against a tree in my sister desk.I have remembered that the book told a story about a girl who wants to be a writer.She loved reading books very much,but her family was very poor,so she borrowed books from others and copied by hand for returning books as soon as possible.I was deeply attracted by this story,by her perseverance.But more importantly,I'm curious,Is the reading really interesting? From then on,I began to read various books including composition books,novels,autobiographies and encyclopedia.when I was in class,what I thought about was the plot of the book I hadn't finished reading.At that time,I even tried to finish reading my favorite books by flashlight.Afterwards my study became better and better unknowingly.
As time goes by,I was already a student of grade six.My Chinese teacher asked me to take part in a composition contest.I had no choice but to do it.In that competition,unexpectedly I won the second prize.I was so excited to tell my families this good news.then as a reward,my sister bought me a book the story The Story in Sahara.However,Unfortunately,there was nothing connection with the writing and reading in my junior high school years.
After entering the high school, I met a pretty Chinese teacher. She was so nice.She always encouraged me to read and write more things from heart.Her influence on me was profound to this day.Now as a sophomore in English major.What I should do is not only just enjoying reading and writing but more focusing on the process of acquiring.Maybe,at the beginning of a path of the destination.People tend to rush into anything and will be attracted by the roadside flowers with strong fragrance and stop.But not what we should be paying more attention to.

The author described his writing experience in detail.The author used to be a person who did not love learning and was a little rebellious,but a book changed him,he began to like reading and writing.The author also described the appearance and content of the book.The content is rich and the description is specific.However,in the second paragraph,you mentioned your Chinese teacher,but did not describe her too much.Here you can describe the appearance and character of the teacher.After you win the prize,you can add some psychological description,or environmental description to reflect your good mood.
The focus of your article is on the reading process.I have not seen any specific information about the writing process.The content of the article is not closely related to the topic.

Hi Yunxing,
It was a pleasure reading about your experience, and I greatly appreciate your honesty. I teach high school students (ages 15-18) and always appreciate when they are honest about their feelings towards reading and writing. However, I am also glad you found what you enjoy to read and write. Teachers can have a big impact, and their students on them. Congratulations on your composition award!

Overall Response:
I can hear your writing “voice” (basically a style that sets everyone apart) in phrases like, “but I was a third grader”. Your honesty adds to this also—it sounds very real and relatable which is what people enjoy reading. “Voice” is difficult to teach and is evidence for a strong writer. There are some grammatical and spacing errors that distract from your main point, however.

Focus:
The focus appears to be on your journey as a reader and writer. This begins with your primary years preferring to play, then leads into discovering your sister’s book and reading for pleasure, and ends with winning a second place composition award and choosing to be an English major. All of these examples help develop your point and are in chronological order which help the reader follow along smoothly.

Development for Readers:
Another point to add that would be interesting is reading and writing in Chinese and English. How do your preferences change for each language? Were you interested in reading Chinese and English literature at the same time in your life? These answers would keep your focus and also provide more information to support it.

Organization and Coherence:
Transitions are used correctly and also feel natural (such as “As time goes by...”). These add to your voice as well and make a fluent response. Some sentences need revision for clarity. For example, I do not know what you mean by the sentence: “Yeah, I headed to a really up against the officials,”. Is there a word missing somewhere?

Language, Grammar, Conventions:
This is probably the category that needs the most attention. English grammar is difficult, so you are not alone in this.
-Read through for small errors; most of the time words are missing. If speaking English is your strength, try reading your essay aloud and you may catch errors better that way.
-Some word choice is also too strong for what you mean. “Mutinous” for example is a very strong version of rebellious and wouldn’t be used to describe children. “Disobedient” may be better here.
-After any form of punctuation, there should be a space before the next word. Most of your paragraph does not do this. (I am unsure if this is a copy/paste issue with the forum.) The first letter of every sentence should also be capitalized. You did this correctly in the beginning, but stopped after the first few sentences.

Main Emphasis for Revision:
Your strengths are definitely transitions, voice, and focus. Adding more content about the Chinese and English readings and writings will make your essay even stronger. The grammar revisions are what will help the most. Right now they distract from your main point which is your strength.

Thank you again for being willing to share. Please let me know if you have any questions on what I wrote.