ACROSS4SEAS.COM

Story 1

Feeling upset, irritated and indecisive, and sitting on my bed, I locked myself in my bedroom and was unwilling to go out, even though my mom had asked me to go out of my room for two times. I knew she won`t do it for the third time, since she always did so. Surprisingly, "Will you go out or not on earth?" I heard my mom shouted with a high decibel. The anger and rage from her which made me shiver could almost through the door of my room. I did want to rush out of the room and have a thorough argue with her, but I didn`t. "Calm down, calm down, I need to calm down." I murmured to myself, but still didn`t go out. I stood up and tiptoed to the side of door, and put my ears against the door to see what would happen outside. Amazedly, I heard she crying. Suddenly, I felt all the guilt, self-accusation and regret came over me, and I struggled in it again--Whether should I apologize to her? How? When? Maybe it is me who were wrong. A few minutes later, it struck me that I could write a letter. So many sentences expressing sorry and regret emerged in my mind. I wrote a letter of apology for here, and put it on her pillow secretly when she was not there. In the second day, we reconciled as expected.

From that moment on, I realized that I could express the feeling and emotion which could not be spoken out but through writing. No matter what kind of problem I meet, and no matter when I meet them, I write them down on my diary. Later, I will feel being released, since my diary has become my one true friend.

Story 2

She was my Chinese teacher in high school of the second year, a woman who always made us laugh by using vivid teaching pattern. She was of medium high and weight, usually wore a overknee dress with crimson color, a khaki coat, and a pair of black pumps. There was some grey hair hiding in her long hair, and she often wore it up in a bun. When she smiled, some small wrinkles would appear on her face.

My Chinese teacher assigned compositions to write to us weekly. After finishing it, we would exchange the composition with other classmates, and wrote some comments on it, so that we could compare notes, and learn something from other people. After that, she would select some good ones to read for us, and analyse them sentence by sentence. I really enjoyed the part, indulging myself into them, and imagining the scenes our classmates created in their work.

Is there anyone who does not like such a good teacher? If I could, I really want to back to my high school, and take her class again .

Hi, Xinjia!

I really enjoyed reading about your experience with writing. Here are my thoughts on your essay. Please let me know if you have any questions.

Overall Response:
I really liked that you chose to talk about your experience with literacy through two stories, each one focusing on a different aspect. They are very personal and filled with emotion and I can tell that the experiences you wrote about have really impacted you. I’m glad to learn that you enjoy writing and use it to express yourself.

Focus:
Since you have structured your essay differently, in the format of stories, there isn’t necessarily a specific focus statement. The focus of your essay is your experience with writing and all the sections of the text fit the focus.

Development for Readers:
It takes reading almost up until the end of the first story to understand that it is about your emotional connection with writing. If you want your audience to only find out the outcome of your story by the end, that is completely fine. The buildup of the story about the fight with your mother keeps the audience interested and engaged. The second story seems to focus more on your Chinese teacher and how she shaped your writing experience. The writing connection only appears in the second paragraph; if you wish to be more explicit about that connection, I would suggest that you mention writing in the first paragraph as well, when you are describing the teacher. Both stories considered the audience needs; there is nothing left unexplained and the reader can clearly understand the narrative, the focus and the conclusion.

Organization and Coherence:
Your text is well organized. You divided it into two different stories that have a beginning and an end and the transitions between different lines and paragraphs make sense and are helpful. Overall, the essay is very coherent. The only suggestion I have is that if you plan to always have the two stories together, it would be helpful to have an introductory paragraph beforehand or even a conclusion after the end of the second story, to explain how they fit together.

Language, Grammar, Conventions:
A few sentences are missing words, which could just be lack of attention and revision. One example of that is in the last phrase of the second story, “I really want to back to my high school,” in which the verb “go” is missing. Another instance where that happens is in the first paragraph of the first story, “The anger and rage from her which made me shiver could almost through the door,” in which I’m assuming “be heard” is missing. The reader can understand what you meant when writing because of the context but be careful because such mistakes can cause confusion. Another thing to pay attention to is the form of the verbs. For example, in the first paragraph of the first story the phrase “I heard my mom shouted with a high decibel,” the verb “shout” is in the past tense (shouted) when it should be in the present participle (shouting). The reason for that is that even though you are describing a past action, that action was being perceived by you (indicated by “I heard”), so that means the verb “shout” should be in the present participle “shouting” instead of the past “shouted”.

Main Emphasis for Revision:
The focus is clear, the audience needs are properly addressed and it’s well organized. The most important thing to improve for the next version of the essay would be the grammar. Revise it paying attention to where words could have been missing and take a closer look to the verbs, checking if you are using the correct tense, aspect and mood for each one. Overall, it is a very good essay. I really enjoyed reading your stories and I hope the feedback I’m providing will be helpful for you.